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Purse Holding, A Sacred DutyNCHS Superintendent’s Notes – November 30, 2016

By Ernie Fowler – Nashville CHSD #99

I was riding in the back seat of the car the other day with my little one when my wife, who was driving, handed me her purse and asked me to keep it with us. As I took hold of it, the weight nearly pulled me out of my seatbelt. I thought I had gotten a hernia by attempting to hoist this suitcase with one hand. Why do women feel the need to carry luggage with them under the name of a purse? I don’t even like to carry a briefcase. I cannot imagine strapping on what my mom used to call a “pocket book” and carrying it everywhere I go.

I was at Circle K recently getting my 32 ounce kidney blaster and noticed a lady checking out in front of me. The cashier told the woman how much her purchase cost. She lugged her leather bag onto the counter with a thud that rattled every item near her. She dived into the black hole and began to dig for her wallet. She was up to her elbow in what she considered valuables that she was carrying with her. After a few minutes, she managed to pull out a wallet that must have had 25 compartments. Between the purse and the wallet, a cow somewhere had lost its entire hide!

I’ve learned that women treat purses like the essence of life itself. I’m not sure how a woman determines what is critical to be carried with them at all times. A wallet, cell phone, and car keys should be about it shouldn’t it? That is what I carry in my pants pockets. Maybe some loose change. Women, however, protect their purses like a secret vault. I heard a comedian one time say that a robber held a gun to a husband’s head and demanded $100. The wife didn’t tell the husband to reach in the purse and get $100. Instead, she told the husband to hand her the purse. Women don’t like a man to pilfer through the vault! Whatever is in there is classified material.

I’m not sure at what age girls become purse carriers. I’ve noticed that our high school girls tend to like smaller purses. Maybe purses grow with the age of the owner. Forget Coach. Why not just carry a piece of Samsonite? I can remember as a kid, if I needed anything, mom could usually produce it from the big bag. Ink pen, paper, Tic Tacs, chewing gum, aspirin, comb, tissue, band aid, Twinkie….you get the picture. She could also find lipstick, make up, perfume, a checkbook, coupons, and yet with all those items dumped out there was still more to come. Purses are just another one of those mysteries about women which men cannot solve. Guys don’t understand it in high school and, years later, they still won’t get it in the old folk’s home. All we can do is just keep building our muscles. One day our lady may ask us to hand them their purse!

Purse Holding, A Sacred Duty